The Diary of a Perpetually Cold Person

Me and my Dad on the "Eve  the Heat Stopped Working." Notice the smiles.
Me and my Dad on the “Eve the Heat Stopped Working.” Notice the smiles.

Y’all, it is cold.

I woke up this morning, shimmied on my tights, slipped on a silk dress, grabbed a pea coat, walked out the door and then realized that I forgot a winter staple:

SOCKS.

The combination of 40-degree weather, rain and the fact that I walk to work about pushed me over the edge. Now, I know that 40-degrees isn’t equivalent to the weather happening in Colorado, but I basically feel like I’m living in the Tundra.

Those of you who know me know that my current state of hypothermia comes as no surprise. My parents realized that I may or may not have a circulation issue when I wore a sleeveless, wool turtleneck and a pair of jeans when I was around 11-years-old… to a Labor Day party. After many a questions making sure that I felt all right and that I did realize it was approximately 102-degrees outside, my parents just accepted that fact that I am always freezing.

And let’s not forget last year when my heater broke in my first apartment, which was actually the most expected thing that happened during that long, cold year. When I woke up to wood floors that were so icy I peed my long johns a little bit, I called my landlord. He suggested, and I kid you not, that my roommate and I huddle together to stay warm.

Excuse me, Houston, we have a problem.

Needless to say, Poppa Sears got on the phone and left Mr. Landlord a very lovely message that said something along the lines of, “I am calling you, sir, simply to warn you: Hell hath no fury like a cold woman.”

Wham-bam-thank you, ma’am. The icicles slowly melted from my nose and all was warm in my heart and soul.

So, back to this morning. My sweet roommate knows that for the sake of everyone whom I come in contact with, it is best to warn me of extreme (read: anything other than sunshine) weather. As I was blow-drying my feet to prepare them for the day ahead of them, Sally forewarned me, “It’s Devin Cold outside today, so wear some socks.” Which actually means, “Normal people can endure this weather, but you, my friend, may want to wear a parka.”

Moral of this ramble: If I were a contestant on “Survivor”, I’d be the first one voted off the island.

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